Do you ever ask yourself: “Why God?” “Why me?” “Is what I am going through be for nothing?” All of these questions are normal for someone who has been through a traumatic event, sexual abuse or sexual trauma.
I asked all these questions back in 2018 when I had a panic attack that left my husband in shock and had no idea what was going on with me. I felt like I was going to die. I couldn’t breathe and I was crying hysterically.
I just visited my family in Ohio and there were a few triggers that happened during my visit. Triggers that I had no idea were triggers! The chime of a clock, my mother’s lack of approval of our visit, and staying at the house I grew up in. I had gone back several times to visit prior to this time, but this visit was different.
I came back home with our two children after visiting just a few days, and it was like a whirlwind of flashbacks and nightmares of my childhood and teen years. I was homeschooling at the time, and my husband thought it would be wise to find me a counselor. We put our two kids in school, and my life would be completely different from that day on. And the whole time I was asking God, “Why?” I knew He was there – but I felt like He was so distant and never going to help me. I was reaching – but I felt my arm couldn’t extend and He was a million miles away.
While in counseling, I accepted the reality that I was molested by a family member for many years from about age 7 to maybe 12 and I was raped when I was 15 by a family friend. Not just once. I always knew growing up that something was just wrong with what was happening to me. However, I couldn’t name it, I couldn’t talk about it, I was afraid no one would believe me and I thought it all was my fault. Any traumatic event can make you spiral into a deep dark pit and that is what my sexual trauma did. I absolutely thought that I would never get out. I absolutely thought God had forgotten about me at this point. What did I do to deserve to go through this? Am I being punished, Lord? I always tried to be a good person. Even in a room full of people, I always felt so alone and afraid.
Where was my faith in all of this? Not to mention all the anger I had towards those who abused me and angry at God. I had always gone to church, always tried to do the right things in my life. Is it a given that my faith would always be strong? What could God possibly be doing with my life right now? Everything seemed to be out of place. I often thought as a child and as an adult that I just wanted to die and go away. My husband and children didn’t deserve to have a wife and mom so broken. I often thought My mess – My problem! For my whole life and even the first 20 years of my marriage I thought my abuse was my fault. I continued to carry my backpack for many years.
When I was a little girl, I always loved playing Candy Land; the board game, I also played with My Little Ponies and Strawberry Shortcake dolls. I would escape all the yelling and uncomfortableness of my family and run to my bedroom and shut the door behind me. Even with the door shut I could still hear the yelling and slamming of “things” that allowed someone to make their point or draw attention to themselves. I always felt alone and isolated in my room but also felt this way in a room full of people.
The feeling of not being seen as God’s creation but instead feeling ugly and not heard even from my own mother was devastating for me. Having someone in the family to talk to about my struggles wasn’t an option. It’s not fun feeling invisible as a child.
With my abuse and family interactions running through my head, I felt like I was lost to the world, didn’t understand anything of what was happening, and I didn’t have many words to describe how my heart and brain were feeling. No one asked anyway – so I didn’t have anyone to help me “untangle” those thoughts or feelings. After many years of molestation from my cousin, being raped as a teenager I felt like trash and not worth anything. Not worthy of feeling loved or wanted. My own mother made me feel unwanted at times and that made me start to have feelings of wanting to die or go away.
Day to day with nothing changing – the same old stuff all the time would leave me feeling angry. My own father wouldn’t even stand up to my mother when she said hurtful things to me. He gave me the nickname “Precious” when I was little. Then, why didn’t he make me feel precious and stand up for me and protect me?
There didn’t seem to be much love coming from anyone. Well, true love. They always said I love you – they said that about 1000 times a day. However, I didn’t learn until later in life that actions speak louder than words. They had lots of words to say but their actions couldn’t match what their mouths were saying. Feeling unloved can crush someone’s heart and spirit.
The abuse I endured from my mother, neglect from my father, abuse from my sister, my cousin molesting me as a child and being raped when I was a teen left me believing these lies:
After I grew up, got married, moved away and started a family, I received counseling for my abuse. You see, after understanding your abuse for what it is and excepting reality – the tangled mess can start to unravel and heal. All these feelings and thoughts about you and your abuse can start to “make sense” and come together to make a beautiful thing.
Unraveling the lies that have “stuck” with your inner being for years takes time and it can be painful to work through these lies.
Allow God to help you unravel what is still tangled so that you can allow your brain to understand yourself and your feelings. It will take time – God’s timing is always perfect in everything He does.
Song of Solomon 4:7 says:
“You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you.”
This devotion was written so that you may be encouraged that HOPE is in Jesus and healing can happen with God’s help. There is no shame in what you have endured.
I hope you are truly blessed by this devotion. Understanding how my brain and body reacted was transforming!!!!
All the hard work is worth it! Invite God into your healing and remember you are loved by an Almighty God!!
May you be blessed!
Love,
Leah