A Tangled Mess

A Tangled Mess; How my brain felt mushy, and my heart was un-nourished.
(A Yarn analogy on how to understand how our brains feel during healing from abuse)

When I was a little girl, I always loved playing Candy Land; the board game, I also played with My Little Ponies and Strawberry Shortcake dolls. I would escape all the yelling and uncomfortableness of my family and run to my bedroom and shut the door behind me. Even with the door shut I could still hear the yelling and slamming of “things” that allowed someone to make their point or draw attention to themselves. I always felt alone and isolated in my room but also felt this way in a room full of people.

The feeling of not being seen as God’s creation but instead feeling ugly and not heard even from my own mother was devastating for me. Having someone in the family to talk to about my struggles wasn’t an option. It’s not fun feeling invisible as a child.

With my abuse and family interactions running through my head, I felt like I was lost to the world, didn’t understand anything of what was happening, and I didn’t have many words to describe how my heart and brain were feeling. No one asked anyway. So I didn’t have anyone to help me “untangle” those thoughts or feelings. After many years of molestation from my cousin, being raped as a teenager I felt like trash and not worth anything. Not worthy of feeling loved or wanted. My own mother made me feel unwanted at times and that made me start to have feelings of wanting to die or go away.

Day to day with nothing changing the same old stuff all the time would leave me feeling angry. My own father wouldn’t even stand up to my mother when she said hurtful things to me. He gave me the nickname “Precious” when I was little. Then, why didn’t he make me feel precious and stand up for me and protect me?

There didn’t seem to be much love coming from anyone. Well, true love. They always say “I love you.” They said that about 1000 times a day. However, I didn’t learn until later in life that actions speak louder than words. They had lots of words to say but their actions couldn’t match what their mouths were saying. Feeling unloved can crush someone’s heart and spirit.

The abuse I endured from my mother, neglect from my father, abuse from my sister, my cousin molesting me as a child and being raped when I was a teen left me believing these lies:

Alone and isolated – these are the color green
Invisible – this is the color white
Trash and death – these are the color black
Angry – This is the color red
Unloved – this is the color gold

After I grew up, got married, moved away and started a family, I received counseling for my abuse. You see, after understanding your abuse for what it is and excepting reality – the tangled mess can start to unravel and heal. All these feelings and thoughts about you and your abuse can start to “make sense” and come together to make a beautiful thing.

Unraveling the lies that have “stuck” with your inner being for years takes time and it can be painful to work through these lies. Allow God to help you unravel what is still tangled so that you can allow your brain to understand yourself and your feelings. It will take time – God’s timing is always perfect in everything He does.

Song of Solomon 4:7 says:
“You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you.”

Weekly Reflection:
What do your colors in your mess of yarn mean to you?

What do you need to ask God to help you “unravel?”